The palms of my hands sweat more often and the pit of my stomach seems infinite. The sun doesn’t seem so bright anymore and I don’t look for stars in the night sky like I used to. Most days, I feel like I’m walking through a fog, dazed and searching for answers without first knowing the question. It feels like I’m wandering through a forest, but I know exactly where I’m going even if I don’t know how to get there. What the hell are you doing to me?
The strength I held onto feels like it’s gone, but I feel like I can fly without it. My burden is light, if it even exists at all. The air fills my lungs with much more urgency, my life is in much more of a hurry. I have to speed up every timeline, I have to hurry up and stay alive because I just can’t bear the thought of dying. I can’t leave this world so long as you’re in it.
But then you’re near and the sun brightens back up, my vision is once again clear like it was before I knew you. I still don’t know the answers, but I don’t care about asking too many questions anyway. Yours in the only face I want to see strewn across the stars. So I ask again as I will ask for the rest of my breaths: What the hell are you doing to me?
I used to be a fortress, with walls impenetrable. I used to be an ocean that swallowed ships whole. My life was a carefully curated show of who I was and who I wanted to be before you came in and changed the whole layout of my story. Others tried to tell me where I should go and who I should be and each one of those people ended up far away from me, but you came in and nudged me in your direction and I ran down that path like I’ve never ran before. There’s just something about you that makes me want to live my life the way I wanted, but with a few slight detours that make the scenery worth the risk of deviating.
You make me melt and you make me change my mind. All the cold in my heart is warmed by the look in your eyes and every instinct in my brain is thrown out the window. My body breaks when it needs to break because it knows you’ll hold me until I put myself back together. Every thought in my head that I never wanted to have came like a flood into the forefront of my mind because now I have someone to put in those narratives. I know what you’re doing to me, but even now it’s hard for me to say without thinking I’m abandoning who I am.
But it doesn’t feel like I’m abandoning myself, that’s just what I thought it would feel like when I got here with someone. Now that I’m here with you, it feels like I’m finding a part of me that has been locked behind a door, waiting for someone to hand over the key. You handed me that stupid key and with a swift twist, out rushed every feeling I’ve ever hidden and every dream I’ve ever stifled. Because what the hell you’re doing to me is what I’ve always feared most in my life and what I fear now is that all this is not all that scary.