It's hard for me to write about the life I find myself living right now. When something is written, it makes it feel permanent. Life as I know it right now would have to be real if I forced myself to capture it in words.
We all know what's happening. I don't need to be another person telling you that the world is going to shit, as it tends to do every few decades or so.
You know what is really awful about this whole mess, more than anything? The fact that I feel the need to hold up all of my real feelings and portray them as sole outrage. Maybe this is just me.
But I'm tired. I cry. I worry. I fear. I lament. I'm angry with God
My dad I and had an honest and open conversation about what our lives and the lives of our loved ones are going to look like now and it was hard not to feel discouraged, but there's no time for that. We have to spend our energy fighting and proving ourselves. We have to survive.
A couple of friends of mine visit me and we talk about everything that's going on in our lives. We talk about our feelings openly and honestly. We show our outrage and share our pains. That's all I want right now.
It's hard to write about the shitty parts of life because you don't want them to be real. Did I say that already? But it's also hard to make them real in this way because there will always be those people that try to negate your feelings. They will talk down to you and tell you that you're wrong for being sad or mad. Your emotions are fact, but to them it's all fiction because it's different.
Embracing the pain seems sadistic and awful, but it feels oh so good. It's grieving. If I sit in it, I feel better faster. If I tell people how I feel, its reality makes it less daunting. If I curse God and express my wrath for the things He has allowed, it makes me love Him more. The human condition is so fucked, don't you think?
I don't really know what I'm writing. This is just a jumble of words to try to express feelings that I haven't figured out yet because of this awful time we're living in. Hope is torture, but I want to feel that pain.