The Fear of Fear

I am fearless. There is nothing and no one in this world that can scare me. Life is just one thing after the other and only death can make me stop. Fear is not an option and it will never be.

That is what I tell myself all the time, but the reality of life is that we all have fears. Even if we don't like to admit it to anyone but our journals.

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I'm scared of heights. Tall mountains are a no-go for me and just the though of Ferris wheels makes me want to gag. I can't step on a ladder without having a mini panic attack by the second rung off the floor. I love to travel with all of my heart, but getting on a plane is still a struggle for me. Stairs are just fine as long as you don't make me look over the second story ledge. That's a sure fire way of making me uncomfortable scared, like a child.

I'm scared of water. I've mastered the Jacuzzi/hot tub to a certain point. As long as I don't move around too much and I focus of my breathing and staying hydrated, I should be fine. But don't you dare push me into any other semi-large body of water. I'll panic and probably drown. I may be working on it and you may see me in water, but know that I am scared out of my mind constantly.

I'm scared of cars. I was hit by a car a while back, but "hit" is a strong word. I was tapped aggressively by a car a while back. It did a number on my knee, but otherwise I'm alive. But to this day, I get nervous when you're turning left and a car is coming towards us. Unless it's half a mile away, it's too close. The air has to be turned on pretty high or the windows need to be rolled down because I feel like I'm suffocating. As soon as a car stops, I am out the door. I'm almost done with college and I still don't drive. 

I'm scared of dying. Despite the fact that I believe in and love God with all of my heart and soul, my mind gets to me sometimes. Late at night on occasion, I'll be crippled by the fear that the black behind my closed eyelids will swallow me whole and I'll never wake up. Even worse, when I'm really tires and incoherent, it'll cripple me to the point where I can't breathe and I cry because I'm so scared that the black is all there is. Strangely, I'm not scared of the dark.

I'm scared of commitment. Growing up, I always got in trouble because I never took care of my stuff. To this day, I don't buy expensive shoes or purses or clothes because those things are made to last and I'm not sure I'll like them in a year. I probably will, but I'm scare of committing. Even in my friendships and other relationships, I keep everyone at a distance because I'm scared of diving in. I'm scared of committing and then being burned later on. This is probably why I am very content being single and joke way to often about being single forever. It sounds nice.

I'm scared of settling. I am utterly convinced that my God has some not-so-ordinary things planned for my life. My faith has always been born out of my struggles, so why would I stop going through this life uncomfortably if that's where I find God? That's a hard life to live. It would be much easier for me to find a guy, get married, have kids, and work at a stable job. That's the American Dream. But that's not my dream, but that doesn't mean that my dreams don't scare me. I'm scared that I'll end up being too scared to run after them and, as a result, losing my faith in God because of my fears.

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Fears are good. Allowing yourself to be hindered by your fears is bad. Don't live in fear of your fears, they're something to overcome. They keep you safe, but they also propel you forward. They're little reminders that this life is hard, but when you overcome them is when you really see that life is worth living.