Shame

My parents will be the first to tell you that I have no shame. When it comes to what I love and what I believe, I am unashamed. When it comes to who I am and who I want to be, I am unashamed... at least until I'm not.

It's been a long time since I've doubted myself.

A long time ago, I learned that doubting yourself only leads to prolonging the inevitable. If I'm going to do something, I'm going to dive right in instead of wasting precious time thinking about whether I should or not. 

Recently, I've been doubting myself and it doesn't feel good.

This summer, I was supposed to lead a group of students on a service trip to San Francisco. Despite the fact that it wasn't my first choice, I dove right in and started preparing. The more I prepared, the more excited I was and the more in love with this ministry I became. But then things started getting dicey.

Things started going south in a multitude of ways, but I refused to doubt myself. There would always be bumps in the road, right? This is what God wants me to do, so I'll be alright and things will work out, right?

I'm not going to San Francisco this summer. The bumps turned into insurmountable mountains and things didn't work out. I'm not alright.

I don't want to say that God took away my dream, but it's pretty safe to say that he set it back for a while. In this, I fell victim to shame. For the first time in a long time, I am ashamed.

Despite the fact that the trip failing to come to fruition is not my fault, I can't help but feel like it is. I don't think that it is because my reasoning is a little better than that, but I feel like it is. I feel shame despite the fact that I know I shouldn't. 

Shame sucks. Shame makes me doubt myself like I never have before. I am doubting myself as a servant of God, as a leader, and as a human being with God-given abilities. All the things I was so passionately unashamed of are now up for grabs. All those things are fragile and can fall into the black pit at any moment. 

But someone wonderful told me that shame doesn't like to be talked about. Shame only has power when you keep it to yourself. So I'm not keeping it to myself. If telling the whole world about it will get rid of my shame, then that's what I'll do.

I'm not in a place that is far from falling into the black pit yet, but I'm keeping my head up and praying that the Lord will push it up higher. If I'm being honest, I'm not happy with God right now. He took something from me that I really wanted, but I have to believe that it's because he has something better for me. I have to believe that he has something great.