Honest to God, with my whole heart, I thought I loved you. For my whole life, this is what my soul believed, that you were going to be everything to me always. Nothing and no one could replace you in this lifetime of mine, in this world. You and I were perfect together and I thought that would last forever… but now it all seems like a lie.
All I want is to run back, to keep trying to get back to where I was. Where I find myself now doesn’t compare, it’s just not enough anymore the way it used to feel like it almost might be. Sometimes it feels like I could learn to fly here, like the place that taught me how to walk could take me to the moon, but that’s just not all that true anymore. I found my wings in the arms of somewhere else and I had to leave it for this footpath I’ve always been on.
It’s a crazy world we’re living in. With all the beauty and all the love comes all the pain and all the hate. The universe is a delicate balance of both, constantly trying to keep the scales even. There is no greater sadness that the realization that no matter how much we try and how much we pray to any and every god we’ve ever thought up, there will always be terrible things and irrevocable evil in the world. There’s nothing we can do to fill the void that hate would leave behind.
Where do all the pretty people go when they want to die? Some say LA, some say New York. I’ve even heard they just disappear altogether because you have to be ugly to die the way ugly humans do.
Have you ever seen the sun rise after a sleepless night? Have you ever wanted to believe in the chariot that pulls this star behind it, just so we can see the world we live in? Have you ever cried?
There’s something about you that makes me wonder why I’ve been hiding from the world my whole life. You look me in the eyes when you talk to me and you treat me as your equal. Even when what I say makes no sense, you sit with me until it does. Or when the clothes I wear don’t match and I can’t be bothered to change, nothing stops you from walking down the street right next to me. Of all the people in the world, you’re the only one I care about seeing me and for now, the only one I care about knowing me.
I don’t want to be loved forever. It’s not about always or eternity for me. Think of tomorrow and plan it out in your mind, then live the day and see it unfold as something completely apart and wholey different from what you thought it would be yesterday. There’s nothing about forever that we can ever really know or plan for because they only exist as abstract ideas. Theories that you can’t prove until you get there and once you get there, you have to start from square one, everyday. You can’t say tomorrow is for certain. You can’t say your love with be there waiting when the sun decides not to come up. Always and eternity don’t exist. I don’t want to be loved in their non-existence.
It feels like we’ve been here before, like every second of the past has led up to this moment. Everything that has ever happened only existed to manufacture this instant between us and then all that is will no longer be as soon as we stop existing together. Our separation will be the end of time and space and love because imagining a universe without us as a unit seems impossible. But that’s not true.
I recently put together a book on love
and please excuse the shameless plug,
but it taught me something about justice.
I used to walk by the train tracks near my high school to see if they had left a railroad car behind. Sometimes they would and when they did, I would climb up to the top. As I sat high above the ground, I thought of what life would be like if I hopped on a train, any train, and rode it across the world. Back then, I used to read more than I do now and was convinced I could survive off the sustenance of new places and faces and knowledge that were all printed on pages filled with someone else’s words. But I never stayed up on them long enough to be hauled away with them because the cops drove by too frequently.