On Depression & Anger
Depression was never something that I wanted to be part of me. Growing up, it was thrown at me like a bucket of water that never seemed to dry up. It was a reality that I never wanted to face and that I never believed was real. So what if I'm sad? So what if it affects every aspect of my life? I can't be depressed.
As I got older, my life took twists and turns that I never could have imagined. My climb out of depression was slow and for a while, I thought it was gone. Nothing could bring me down because my life was so good. I loved myself and I loved everything that I was doing. Peace was with me and the water was finally dry.
Those of us who struggle with depression all face a different battle. For me, it wasn't so much that I hated myself or thought that the world's problems were my fault. My demons lied in my absolute inability to function because of my depression. To outsiders, it's not always so obvious because I tend to be a generally lazy person. I know when depression hits me when I don't have the energy to do what I'm passionate about. My soul freezes.
Right now, despite not wanting it to be so, I am in the middle of another season of depression. My life feels like it's shattering around me and I retreated back into myself. I'm frozen all over again.
It feels like I'm living in slow motion. It makes me tread through life on auto-pilot because feeling anything would be too difficult. Time stalls behind and the only way to cope is to distract myself. I'm an introvert, but it becomes increasingly difficult to be alone when depression strikes.
We don't like to talk about depression, especially when you believe in a god. When you believe in God.
"Just pray and he'll heal you."
"Read your Bible and you'll feel better."
"Listen to some worship music."
"Stop being so sad."
As a Christian, as someone who can "function" through depression, it takes all of me not to tell anyone about what I'm feeling because I know the probability of these things being said to me is high. I can't describe to you the looks people give when I have the audacity to say that the Lord and I are going through a rough time together. I must not be a good enough Christian if it's so easy to openly admit the strain in my relationship with God.
It's really easy to be angry when you're depressed. But tomorrow is a new day and the auto-pilot will turn off eventually. God and I will be fine soon. This depression won't last forever. The water dry up again.
I'm learning how to love people better. There are others who face depression. There are others who go through tough times. Now I know what it feels like to be down and I know how to better love the people around me who might feel the same way. It's a little bit of hope that makes this all seem more bearable and I'm not angry with God about that.