I recently put together a book on love
and please excuse the shameless plug,
but it taught me something about justice.
As I took apart the words I’ve written
over the last 5 years of my life,
I saw my transformation from a bitter little rebel
to a young woman who has nothing figured out,
but a whole lot of love to spare.
And that was the catalyst to this change,
the love I found
and that was forced upon me.
You see, I didn’t want to be loved.
I didn’t know how to be loved.
My whole life,
I lived in a life where love had to be earned
and I called BS on that really early on.
If I had to earn it,
I didn’t want it
and ever since I made that switch in my brain,
I stayed that way.
I didn’t want love because it hurt me
and beat me
and told me I wasn’t good enough
unless I fit into a mold that I couldn’t breathe in.
Before I could give up
and give in to a life without breathing,
I ran as fast as I could towards
something and somewhere else.
I didn’t know where I was headed,
but I’m happy to report that the Lord led me straight into the arms of love.
And this love was hard.
I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that these people,
these new friends of mine
wanted me around all the time.
They wanted to come to my handbell concerts
and see all the terrible art I was making
and they read my blog when it wasn’t worth reading.
Worst of all,
They wanted to love me even when I pushed them away.
Justice is them reading the signs I put up all over my life
and taking a hint.
I didn’t need anyone and I didn’t want anyone.
Justice would have been them taking that to heart
and leaving me alone.
For me, justice meant living a life without love
because I didn’t know how to give it right back.
Lucky for me,
my friends had a different moral code
and a different court of law.
God is a just god.
God is a god of love.
God is love
and love is justice.
But God’s justice was different than my own limited definition.
We define justice as just behavior or treatment,
which means you get what you deserve.
My God, our God, my friend’s God says
you get all the love in the world
because you were made for it.
Your entire existence is dependent on it
and even when you don’t deserve it,
even when you don’t know how to receive it or give it,
you get love because God decided you deserve it.
If you subscribe to this faith
and if you proclaim Lord Lord,
then you better get ready because this love comes like a flood
and it hurts so so good.
God tosses you around in an ocean of it
and brings people into your life that keeps your head under the water
until you finally learn how to breathe it all in.
What I learned in the past five years
and what I realized in the past few months
Is that I’m still under water
and I can finally breathe.
Instead of being stuck in a box,
I’m swimming in an ocean full of people
and full of love.
For once in my life,
I never have to earn their love
I have their love.
"On Love" is now available.
Click here to purchase.