The daydreams that run through my head make my brain feel like it’s bleeding, like the life is flowing out of me drop by drop. The tear in my seam is slowly ripping itself open, wider and wider and there doesn’t seem to be any way to stop it. Dreaming of the future is bleeding me dry.
"Sometimes I dream of living on the road, just one backpack full of the things I need and nowhere to go but somewhere new. There are hundreds of rest stops with terrible cups of coffee that could inspire thousands of books based on millions of people. Just one cup for the road before I let the rest of my journey inspire a billion more pages. There’s no end to this world, not when it’s lived that way.
Other times my dreams turn to living in some countryside, surrounded by sheep and horses and dogs that all move around too much to include in the paintings I could work on while sitting outside for hours and hours until the sun decided to let me know it’s time to stop. "You can keep painting tomorrow." Then it would be time to sit around a table, with a drink and some friends talking about the cosmos and how it will probably never end.
Most times these dreams take me to tomorrow. They tell me to have faith in myself, my art, my loves. Even when it hurts, they tell me to try to make myself happy. "Now is not the time to settle for the good that other people have set out for you. It’s time work for the good that you have been paving for yourself." My dreams tell me to take a little step into the deep ends of the ocean and start swimming towards the horizon. They tell me my joy lives just beyond it. With a little bit of work, I could find some sort of end to the hardships that will come through my journey to fulfillment.
I wish my daydreams would leave me alone. They hurt me with terrible accuracy. They make me long for things I’m too scared to run to, they make me ache for a life I can see right beyond the distance. It’s in sight, but just out of reach. My daydreams only offer themselves as they are, just dreams. There is no master plan laid out in them, no solution I can cling to.
I wish I could ignore them, but my daydreams are smart. They’re clever. All I needed was the thought, the hope. I’ve already figured out a million different plans, a million different paths to get to where I want to be. They knew I would have it figured out all along. My dreams are trying to turn themselves into nightmares to get me to make a move, to start pursuing something. My steps are speeding up and I’m coming to the edge of this cliff. I’m almost to the point of running, running, running before I have to
FUTURE: AUGUST 2018