Life happens so fast. One second you’re headed to your first day of kindergarten and the next you’re at your big kid job trying to pay the bills. Some people stop dreaming along the way and some people dream too much. Some people find solace in security, others in spontaneity. When did we all get so different from the kids who fought over the same jungle gym? When did we all get too good for each other?
Making friends and sharing feelings used to be so easy. Hey you over there, will you be my friend? Hey, don’t push me. That hurts me. Teachers had to make us say we’re sorry more often that not, but we did it. Maybe we didn’t learn that skill so well because we always thought there would be someone around telling us to apologize when we made someone feel bad, but we were wrong. There are no teachers in adult life.
The ability to share parts of ourselves diminished over the years. It was no longer cool to ask for affection or to snuggle up to someone you love. Crying was seen as weakness and disinterest made you a god. In the make-believe grown up world, it was a sin to be overly emotional. You were dramatic, hard to handle. No one likes a person with too many feeling because feelings don’t make you any money when you grow up. Feelings don’t make you cool enough for friends. At least that’s what we thought.
Some people are fortunate enough to grow up and find friends who are willing to feel with you. They too realized that life was richer through the rose colored lenses of emotions. They’ll hug you and squeeze you and listen to you when you cry. Sometimes they’ll make you come to terms with the feelings you try to hide, if you’re lucky enough.
Sometimes you’re stuck in a slow cycle of learning how to feel. You’re a late bloomer in that department. Try as one might, it takes you longer to understand that feelings don’t make you weak. Even when you understand it in your head, your muscles don’t always follow suit. Your heart stays stubborn and your tongue doesn’t know how to say the words that will make you feel whole and accepted and cherished and cared for. It’s hard to give of yourself when you don’t know how, when you just can’t shed the years of people telling you that feelings don’t make you strong when all you want to be is strong.
Then there comes a time when it just clicks, a time when all you needed to find was that one person who finally makes you see that being a hardened human being isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. They show you what you’ve been missing and they scare you into feeling things you’ve never thought you’d get to feel or want to feel.
And maybe these people don’t stay in your life forever. Maybe they’re just around for while, but it’s a good while. Maybe it’s not over yet, but you suspect that it will be soon or one day. But they broke you when you needed the breaking and that’s all that really matter in the end, if it ends.
When you’ve got your life figured out, when you’re comfortable in the waves of your own chaos, is when you really need that curve ball. When you’re anything but open and soft, it’s beautiful to let someone make you feel cared for and balanced for once. Your chaos is more fulfilling when you feel like there’s an eye in the center of your storm, when there’s someone to get you back to feeling like you did way back when.