A Million Loves to Run To

Honest to God, with my whole heart, I thought I loved you. For my whole life, this is what my soul believed, that you were going to be everything to me always. Nothing and no one could replace you in this lifetime of mine, in this world. You and I were perfect together and I thought that would last forever… but now it all seems like a lie.

When I left and came back to find you right where you had been, it was hard not to see you differently, to see all of your flaws. They were easy to ignore when it was all I knew and all I had, but now that I’ve seen something else, almost loved another, I see that those flaws might be enough to drive me away into the sunset of another’s open arms.

Isn’t that funny how you can just change your mind when you gain a little perspective? When you see something new and different? Don’t get me wrong, it’s scary. Never have I been more scared in my life. But it’s also exhilarating to realize that you’re wrong, the ultimate love of your life isn’t the only love of your life, doesn’t have to be the only love of your life. There really is no such thing as soul mates.

What a liberating notion, the idea that you can be happy in a million different contexts, situations. There’s no right way to live your own life, no one love that’s going to be the finality of it all. You have a million chances to get it “right.” People don’t believe in truly starting over, but I do. There’s a million loves to run to.

Life is short, isn’t it? I’m still stuck in a phase of thinking I’m invincible and refusing to look too deep into the future, but death is still there in the back of my mind. It drives me to be all the more reckless because if death is inevitable, then I’m inevitably going to try to make the ride there as exhilarating as possible. That’s why I can’t love you like I used to. You’re not enough for me anymore.

It’s so sad that it has to be this way. So much time was spent on our relationship, so much of my energy was used up in defending you and protecting you and loving you like you would be my last. Even in this final chapter we find ourselves, I don’t regret a single second. You will always be my first love and as terrible as it sounds, we both know I can always run right back to you. Everything we have will be right here waiting for me if I ever decide to come back. Because really, I’m still open to the idea that maybe you really are the best love out there for me. Maybe I’m wrong, but right now is the time to figure that out. If you love me you have to set me free or whatever, right? Just don’t expect me to stay forever if I do come back. A new love can always come along all over again.