When something is changing and I don't know what to say, what usually comes out of my mouth is, "Seasons, seasons." I think I'm trying to remind myself that life is always going to change, but I might also be willing California to have normal weather patterns for once.
As summer comes to a slow end, I realize how much this literal season has frustrated and shaped me. To me, this was #thelonelysummer. At first, it felt like this loneliness was a curse. It took me a long time, probably too long, to see that it was probably necessary.
There's a grieving process that needs to happen when my life changes so drastically. No one could ever really know what I was going through. This was something I needed to process on my own (with the Lord), but I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to grieve. I wanted to move on.
My job helped distract me, but I had to go home eventually. My roommate helped as well, but she had her own wonderful life to live. The biggest distraction of all was Netflix, of course. As you can probably guess, none of that made me feel better. I only started feeling better when I ran away.
Most people will say that running away will never solve any of your problems, but I would say that they're wrong.
A couple weeks ago, I felt the full weight of my loneliness coupled with other feelings of helplessness and I lost it. For the first time in a long time (like, way too long), I cried. After that first time, the dam was broken and I couldn't stop. So I ran away from my chores, my apartment and my newfound drama in order to grieve.
It wasn't a perfect grieving period, but it was mine and it was good. Instead of trying to make new friends to replace my old ones, I went back to where I grew up and just sat and thought about how hard life felt like it was going to be. I stopped ignoring the fact that I was sad and that I missed the way things were and faced the fact that it's okay to feel that way.
I feel like I can get back to my old self now. I can get ready for the new school year now. I've even made a few new friends without feeling like they need to meet these obscene expectations. A lot has changed this summer, but not everything. Things are starting to look good again. Seasons always circle back.
When You Throw Out Your Back