Yesterday was one of those days when the only reason I got up in the morning was because I had too much to do. Immediately when I woke up, depression hit me like a wave, but I couldn't stop to deal with it. I had a full schedule. Through all of it, my depression kept catching up to me.
In the middle of the day, I was sitting in class (one that I normally enjoy), and pretended I was fine. I participated in the discussion, tried to focus on the lecture, and chatted with my classmates, but I couldn't come up for air. I was stuck in a circle of trying not to fall asleep because that's what depression does to me and having anxiety because I couldn't deal with myself and what was happening in my head. I had to leave class early and I was completely embarrassed, but I felt like I didn't have a choice because I was going crazy.
As I walked away feeling defeated, I stuck headphones in my ears and one thing I hardly ever do is wear those stupid little torture devices. I hate them. The only time I ever wear them is when I'm desperate to drown out the world around me and to let everyone know it's not a good time to talk to me. I wore them for a long time yesterday.
Even on bad days like this, I knew I had to find a silver lining. As easy as it would have been, I couldn't get stuck in feeling this way without at least trying to find a glimmer of hope. So after I left class, I thought it would be a good idea to go to work to distract myself by getting things done, but as soon as I walked in the door, I knew that wouldn't happen. I was too deep in this hole to even try to claw my way out and I needed a chance to breathe.
My boss has a couch in his office and when I walked by, I noticed that no one was in there or on it. Without thinking at all, I went over and placed myself on this couch, closed my eyes, and tried to drown everything out.
My boss and my coworkers know I struggle with depression, that's not a secret. They've asked me how they can best support me through this and I have tried to give them some suggestions, but never did I actually think that they could or should or would. I know people care and I know they genuinely want to help, but I didn't really have any idea what their role could be in helping me through this.
I feel better today, which is why I can write this out, but I could still cry just thinking of this next part, not because it was sad, but because it was so so good:
As I lay on my boss' couch (completely taking over his office mind you), he walked in, asksed if he could refill my empty water bottle, turned off the lights, and walked out. None of this made any impact on me until I started to come out of my funk a little while later, but now I have so many thoughts and so many words.
Maybe this is just me and maybe this doesn't mean anything to anyone else, but this is exactly the kind of support I didn't know I needed: someone to look at me, recognize something I needed right then, and be kind enough to help with that one, small detail. My boss can't reach into my brain and get rid of the mess that causes my depression, but he can refill my water bottle and not kick me out of his office. For all I know, he could have thought I just needed to take a nap, but the compassion was still there.
It's moments like this that I hold on to when I'm in my worst states because at the end of the day, I know I have people who will support me and understand. I know my bad days don't have to fill me with complete dread because even those days have some good in them and for now, that's enough.